confusion + adulting

annoyed.

ive been stressed out by the exact same thing over the past one year and till now i still haven't found any resolution. its a really trivial dilemma - what the hell do i major in during college?

okay so i've like slightly under two years before the start of college, and slightly under four to actually declare my major in my sophomore year. but ive been encouraged to think ahead about where my passions lie and what i wanna do after graduation. on one hand its definitely great to get a headstart in life planning. but on the other, it has placed me in a longer period of turmoil, pacing back and forth between different ideas and imagined scenarios.

what do i see myself as? i am constantly in awe of how certain some of my peers are with regard to their future paths. theyve mentioned before their deep interest or even assurance of their callings, to become:

 

- investment bankers

- lawyers

- doctors

- pharmacists

- consultants

and i see them making genuine inroads. my investment banking pal is going to the best business school in the world. my doctor friends are crushing med school. my lawyers-to-be are swallowing pages of contract and torts as i type this, stewing lifelessly in a half-empty starbucks. and theres good ol' me. not having a clue in the world of what im gonna be, or what my strengths even are. 

perhaps thats the thing that differentiates me from them. my friends are supremely confident, but not in an overbearing way. they are smart people, and they know it. they know they've the ability to excel and that they can succeed in their chosen paths. i dont have that confidence. i do well in school. people say im smart. but for some reason, (and not an obnoxious self-praising one at that), i cant bring myself to believe it.

i dont believe im really that good in anything. or tell people that i have the ability to do well in any path without the fear of attracting scoffs. 

ive thought of a banking career - but i compare myself to my far more qualified friends and poof goes that dream. also once thought of law, but seeing my peers debate about jurisprudence and ethics with words ill never be able to even pronounce quells that naive flame. 

i went into the college process indicating that i was a prospective sociology major. why? because its a field i genuinely like and enjoy and know i can do well in. i love understanding people and society. i love working with and for communities. call me idealistic. i believe in making the world better. 

but in my society and social circles, such a dream just won't cut it. in a circle of high achievers, such idealistic dreams are seen as impractical. 'wherees the money in that' 'wheres the power in that' 

imagine going to a high school reunion 10 years on with all my friends being high powered lawyers and bankers, while a poor me comes up as tries haplessly to convince them of the value of my work as a social worker. what sort of impressions would i project?

that was the dream i stuck with for a long time. but its been phased out, because im too scared to pursue it. and i hate myself for it. i really do. sigh.

nevertheless i forge ahead in search of another dream.

right now im leaning towards a double  major in international relations + comp science - the dream is to combine coding and programming (things i love), with global social work and social entrepreneurship (my greatest passion). i want to harness the power of coding solutions to fix global problems. use technology to make the lives of the underprivileged better. ive no concrete plans as to what problems i wanna rectify or what codes i wanna use. heck, my coding skills are so painfully novice im wondering if im biting off more than i can chew honestly. 

the next fear is that im gna go into my intro to cs class with a group of high flyers with years of progr experience, all gunning for that microsoft software dev job, and that im gna b confronted by the same waves of insecurity and inferiority that have crushed all my dreams thus far.

even in that case, i pray i will be strong enough. strong enough to remain steadfast in my personal ambition. strong enough to stand behind my passion. strong enough to forge my own path in the midst of naysayers.

thats the person i wanna be. the person i preach to others to be. 

and im not there yet. and it really really sucks.