Words and Stimulation
So I just stumbled across my old college application essays. Honestly, the entire college application season was a rush. A cesspool of anxiety, self-doubt and relentless drafting that I sure wouldn't like to revisit ever again. I vividly remember every emotion I felt during that dark period - the constant self-beration, the frenzy of trimming and editing and trimming between revision cycles, and the omnipresent threat of having no acceptances looming furtively over my shoulder. It was a tough time.
But looking back at some of my essays, I can't help but revisit the time with a little bit of fondness. Sure, applying to 8 colleges was a huge pain. But the process of refining my essays, having the moment to pause and look deep within myself to evaluate my passions, my strengths, my person, the different little factors and experiences that have shaped the being I am today, was such a refreshing exercise. Honestly, re-reading the essays genuinely astound me - without the process of self-reflection catalysed by those applications, I'd probably never have been able to speak at such lengths about my interests or my quirks. Never would I have been able to see the supposed mundanities in my life as experiences unique to me, as they deserve to be perceived. In the limbo of National Service, I suppose going back to those essays function as a means of getting back in touch with my roots. The past 8 months of NS have made me rather lost in the vastness of doing nothing and being wholly accountable of everything I do and am able to accomplish with the time I have clasped in my hands. Sometimes my mind wanders, frustrated by my inertia, only to be further confused by the forces of doubt and complete cluelessness about my 'path'.
My application essays showcased me at my most vulnerable and honest. And I suppose that is the persona I've yet to find this year. Being honest to myself and being true in the things I do. I really hope that re-reading those essays have ignited a spark in me. It's nice to be reminded who I really am. Even better to have someone to fight for - and who else better than yourself to do so?
I think having a calling is truly one of the most elusive yet fulfilling to own. Too often, I think we find ourselves in situations in which we pause, let the hecticness of the world flurry around us and think, "wait, why am I here?". Twigs in rushing water. A coin that got entrained in the torrent of a sewer. To be forcibly and involuntarily pushed along by the violent ebbs and flows of life is a scary thing - just as losing control of your mobility in a lucid dream makes you feel at once overwhelmed and powerless. That's a state I most definitely do not want to be in. I want to take charge of my life, and dictate its course towards a path I love and feel for. But to do so, one needs to be fully cognizant of his/her true purpose - what are our innate strengths, what characterial elements within us enable us to contribute to the betterment of this world in the most effective and impactful way possible? At this point, I genuinely have no idea what my purpose is.
Rest assured, I'm not suicidal, I'm just frazzled. The years between 18 (the start of pre-adulthood) and 20 (the start of actual adulthood) feel like the longest and perhaps most instrumental parts of our lives - it is the period in which we bid goodbye to our immaturities, and (for the lack of a better expression) realise the need to get our shit together. We begin to realise the gravity of the phases before us - the fact that our childhood years of trial and error are behind us, and whatever decisions we make within these two years can largely dictate how the rest of our lives will pan out. It is daunting, to understand how much is at stake and also how we need to make so many tough choices so early on and within such a miniscule window of time. It's scary not having the time to err.
I don't feel like I've found myself yet, in any way, shape or form. Throughout my schooling years, I tested out so many personas - the nerd, the shy guy, the 'jock', the confident, the confidante - but I've never really stuck with anything. Maybe I'm just a befuddled amalgamation of all these traits, but would coming to that conclusion seem like I'm just escaping the problem entirely, as opposed to actually putting in the effort into self-discovery and dialling down these types to one I most accurately encapsulate?
I really hope to find myself. I'm no believer in pre-determinism, so I don't think I've one particular calling that I'm bound down to finding. Rather, I do want to find a path which I can say, "Yeah, this suits me," or, "Yeah, I feel enabled and empowered to make a difference!". I tell too many people that #YOLO, as surfer-dude douche-baggy it may sound, does serve as a very poignant mantra for our generation of dreamers and risk-takers. I hope to push myself out of my comfort zone to find my niche(s). And I just want to be happy in doing something meaningful.
Sigh, time does seem like it's running out. Haha, just the thought of what I want to major in during college breaks me out into a cold sweat. Oh well, gonna take the next 1 year or so to do some soul-searching. Not some skin-deep existential debate thing, like those I've been lulling into over and over again the past couple years. But something more genuine to myself - something that originates from me and not the barbed vines of the pressures around me.
But looking back at some of my essays, I can't help but revisit the time with a little bit of fondness. Sure, applying to 8 colleges was a huge pain. But the process of refining my essays, having the moment to pause and look deep within myself to evaluate my passions, my strengths, my person, the different little factors and experiences that have shaped the being I am today, was such a refreshing exercise. Honestly, re-reading the essays genuinely astound me - without the process of self-reflection catalysed by those applications, I'd probably never have been able to speak at such lengths about my interests or my quirks. Never would I have been able to see the supposed mundanities in my life as experiences unique to me, as they deserve to be perceived. In the limbo of National Service, I suppose going back to those essays function as a means of getting back in touch with my roots. The past 8 months of NS have made me rather lost in the vastness of doing nothing and being wholly accountable of everything I do and am able to accomplish with the time I have clasped in my hands. Sometimes my mind wanders, frustrated by my inertia, only to be further confused by the forces of doubt and complete cluelessness about my 'path'.
My application essays showcased me at my most vulnerable and honest. And I suppose that is the persona I've yet to find this year. Being honest to myself and being true in the things I do. I really hope that re-reading those essays have ignited a spark in me. It's nice to be reminded who I really am. Even better to have someone to fight for - and who else better than yourself to do so?
I think having a calling is truly one of the most elusive yet fulfilling to own. Too often, I think we find ourselves in situations in which we pause, let the hecticness of the world flurry around us and think, "wait, why am I here?". Twigs in rushing water. A coin that got entrained in the torrent of a sewer. To be forcibly and involuntarily pushed along by the violent ebbs and flows of life is a scary thing - just as losing control of your mobility in a lucid dream makes you feel at once overwhelmed and powerless. That's a state I most definitely do not want to be in. I want to take charge of my life, and dictate its course towards a path I love and feel for. But to do so, one needs to be fully cognizant of his/her true purpose - what are our innate strengths, what characterial elements within us enable us to contribute to the betterment of this world in the most effective and impactful way possible? At this point, I genuinely have no idea what my purpose is.
Rest assured, I'm not suicidal, I'm just frazzled. The years between 18 (the start of pre-adulthood) and 20 (the start of actual adulthood) feel like the longest and perhaps most instrumental parts of our lives - it is the period in which we bid goodbye to our immaturities, and (for the lack of a better expression) realise the need to get our shit together. We begin to realise the gravity of the phases before us - the fact that our childhood years of trial and error are behind us, and whatever decisions we make within these two years can largely dictate how the rest of our lives will pan out. It is daunting, to understand how much is at stake and also how we need to make so many tough choices so early on and within such a miniscule window of time. It's scary not having the time to err.
I don't feel like I've found myself yet, in any way, shape or form. Throughout my schooling years, I tested out so many personas - the nerd, the shy guy, the 'jock', the confident, the confidante - but I've never really stuck with anything. Maybe I'm just a befuddled amalgamation of all these traits, but would coming to that conclusion seem like I'm just escaping the problem entirely, as opposed to actually putting in the effort into self-discovery and dialling down these types to one I most accurately encapsulate?
I really hope to find myself. I'm no believer in pre-determinism, so I don't think I've one particular calling that I'm bound down to finding. Rather, I do want to find a path which I can say, "Yeah, this suits me," or, "Yeah, I feel enabled and empowered to make a difference!". I tell too many people that #YOLO, as surfer-dude douche-baggy it may sound, does serve as a very poignant mantra for our generation of dreamers and risk-takers. I hope to push myself out of my comfort zone to find my niche(s). And I just want to be happy in doing something meaningful.
Sigh, time does seem like it's running out. Haha, just the thought of what I want to major in during college breaks me out into a cold sweat. Oh well, gonna take the next 1 year or so to do some soul-searching. Not some skin-deep existential debate thing, like those I've been lulling into over and over again the past couple years. But something more genuine to myself - something that originates from me and not the barbed vines of the pressures around me.
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