On Uncertainty, New Starts and An Attempt at Stability
I laugh at myself as I type. I've always mocked bloggers. I don't know, something about journaling and blogging never really struck a chord with me.
Many of my friends have blogged for years, and I never really knew why. I guess I never really understood the purpose of expressing one's thoughts to yourself. Why they would go to such elaborate extents with such melifluous language to essentially rant at a virtual wall, with no one to listen or respond to them.
But the past few months have been revitalising. As an NSF posted to a camp enshrouded in trees and confidentiality, I spend hours commuting to and fro from camp each day. This time prompts much thought.
The transition from civilian life to being a soldier has been jarring. I'm still pretty unaccustomed to being termed a soldier. Or even with acknowledging the fact that the armed forces are by all official counts my employers for the next 2 years. I feel like on the cusp of something big. In my immediate future, so much beholds.
Army life. University. New relationships. Yadda yadda.
I feel a mish mash of emotions. I'm so excited for what the future has in store. But this newfound independence that's been bestowed upon me - as an adult pressured to make my own decisions - is frightening. How can I make my own decisions when even I'm not sure where I want to be in life?
SO many options. Each time I feel like I've ascertained a direction, some external force rudely butts in and veers my ship towards a ravine of darkness I never knew existed. I feel overwhelmed.
I'm tired. Tired of making decisions. Tired of asking myself each and every day on that damn train ride whether I'm satisfied with where my life is going. I thought being an adult would be liberating. What's not to love about jumping from the passenger seat to behind the steering wheel of the car of your destiny? But now I feel less in control than I ever have. Yeah the steering wheel's in front of me, but I feel like my seat belt is constricting me so hard that I can't breathe. That I can't even reach my hands out to touch the wheel while the steering wheel jolts back and forth like the flippers of a pinball machine. I veer from one course to the next, each new route scarier than before.
That's why I've started to blog I guess. I blog to change things.
My senior told me something pretty cool the other day. She said that uncertainty was good, and told me to embrace it. "The fact that you even feel lost is a privilege in itself. It means you have a wealth of options before you. If you were that certain about anything, it probably means your life has been set in stone for the rest of your days.'
Indeed I am blessed. Heck, I am privileged. To even be able to juggle so many opportunities. To be flooded by new prospects so unrelentingly that I wake up each and every day breathless and buzzing, not knowing what new skill I acquire or new experience I can add to my bank of memories.
I blog to chart the everyday. I want to document how I feel and what I do each and every day, such that I can look back on it and relive, with nostalgia and even hilarity, every little bend and kink my ship has sailed through in this befuddling phase. I want to change the way I view uncertainty.
Uncertainty is exciting. Uncertainty is constructive. Uncertainty is what we seek to 'make certain' in our daily expeditions through life - and it is this that gives life purpose.
I look forward to blogging soon, hopefully with something new to share. Till then, may this ship sail smoothly. Wherever the river may lead.
Many of my friends have blogged for years, and I never really knew why. I guess I never really understood the purpose of expressing one's thoughts to yourself. Why they would go to such elaborate extents with such melifluous language to essentially rant at a virtual wall, with no one to listen or respond to them.
But the past few months have been revitalising. As an NSF posted to a camp enshrouded in trees and confidentiality, I spend hours commuting to and fro from camp each day. This time prompts much thought.
The transition from civilian life to being a soldier has been jarring. I'm still pretty unaccustomed to being termed a soldier. Or even with acknowledging the fact that the armed forces are by all official counts my employers for the next 2 years. I feel like on the cusp of something big. In my immediate future, so much beholds.
Army life. University. New relationships. Yadda yadda.
I feel a mish mash of emotions. I'm so excited for what the future has in store. But this newfound independence that's been bestowed upon me - as an adult pressured to make my own decisions - is frightening. How can I make my own decisions when even I'm not sure where I want to be in life?
SO many options. Each time I feel like I've ascertained a direction, some external force rudely butts in and veers my ship towards a ravine of darkness I never knew existed. I feel overwhelmed.
I'm tired. Tired of making decisions. Tired of asking myself each and every day on that damn train ride whether I'm satisfied with where my life is going. I thought being an adult would be liberating. What's not to love about jumping from the passenger seat to behind the steering wheel of the car of your destiny? But now I feel less in control than I ever have. Yeah the steering wheel's in front of me, but I feel like my seat belt is constricting me so hard that I can't breathe. That I can't even reach my hands out to touch the wheel while the steering wheel jolts back and forth like the flippers of a pinball machine. I veer from one course to the next, each new route scarier than before.
That's why I've started to blog I guess. I blog to change things.
My senior told me something pretty cool the other day. She said that uncertainty was good, and told me to embrace it. "The fact that you even feel lost is a privilege in itself. It means you have a wealth of options before you. If you were that certain about anything, it probably means your life has been set in stone for the rest of your days.'
Indeed I am blessed. Heck, I am privileged. To even be able to juggle so many opportunities. To be flooded by new prospects so unrelentingly that I wake up each and every day breathless and buzzing, not knowing what new skill I acquire or new experience I can add to my bank of memories.
I blog to chart the everyday. I want to document how I feel and what I do each and every day, such that I can look back on it and relive, with nostalgia and even hilarity, every little bend and kink my ship has sailed through in this befuddling phase. I want to change the way I view uncertainty.
Uncertainty is exciting. Uncertainty is constructive. Uncertainty is what we seek to 'make certain' in our daily expeditions through life - and it is this that gives life purpose.
I look forward to blogging soon, hopefully with something new to share. Till then, may this ship sail smoothly. Wherever the river may lead.
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